I'm reading "Life of Pi", in the van on the way to Papa & Granny's house, the boat is sinking, he is losing everything, my heart has started to race. I hear Jasmine asleep but stirring in her carseat. I don't know how I heard it, over the disney movie in the back, the grown up music in the front, and my own imagination running away with the story, but I did. I turned around. She's asleep but her nose is bleeding. That first bead gathering, her head turning restlessly back and forth. The sight of blood in the midst of my story-driven adrenaline, sets me into hyper drive. I set the book down and try to unbuckle my seat belt, but in my furious state I cannot press the button long enough to release it. I slam the button. Over and over. Finally I am freed. I grab the nearest McDonalds nakpin strewn in the floor and press it to my target.
She cries so much when her nose bleeds. She gets so emotional. It happens so often. (I always wonder why, with that mom-love-fear-driven tense passion.)
She fights me of course. Pulling her just now woken up nose away from me. "Ow. Ow. Ow." (She says this every time I wipe her nose.)
Thankfully it stops bleeding fast.

Her face, and my hand, are smeared with blood.

I try to feel a deepness about that. Wrap my mind around love and life. But its really just messy. I really just need a sink.

She's awake now.
And happy.
So happy.
So so happy.

We are on our way to Papa & Granny and COUSINS.
She's been dancing in her car seat the whole day.
She's back at it.
Telling me how she is happy.
And why.
And that she "can't sleep in the car."
All these words, smiles and joy, with a face smeared in blood.
Such a strange sight to me.
I try to feel a deepness about it. Wrap my mind around joy and pain.
But again,
its really just messy.
I really just need a sink.
And I wonder, if we were to stop for gas if someone might think we hurt her.
But she isn't thinking anything but "hurray for this trip." Not a single solitary thought towards her state. And I like that. And I wish something more from that.
And I try to take some strength from that for me.